It’s
midnight on an early Friday morning and although I have an 8AM breakfast
meeting that it will take at least 45 minutes for me to get to, I’m writing
instead of sleeping because tonight, of all nights, every time I close my eyes
I am reminded of something a friend once said to me when we attempted to
venture beyond our friendship into the dating realm: "I still can’t figure out why you’re single,
but I will say this much; I can tell that when it comes to dating, either you
like a guy and you’re afraid that something is going to happen, so you never
say anything, or you say too much, or even just a little bit…too soon".
I’ve spent a lot of time thinking
about that statement, especially after this friend and I had an incredible date
of which nothing ever came, particularly so when I checked myself into a hotel
for a week to get some work done and saw him sneaking out of the room next door
with a woman who appeared to be in a very big hurry. When I spoke to get his attention and he
turned to see that it was me, he threw up…literally. Fluids began to spew from his throat as he
fought to contain himself and decipher the best course of action; should he get
in the car and pretend he didn’t hear me, never saw, should he explain what
he’s doing, or should he just ignore the fact that he just left a hotel room
with a strange woman, threw up less than 5 feet from me, and commence a conversation
that would be largely considered normal amongst friends? He did neither, instead he fished to find out
whether I was at the hotel for the same reason that he was, and in finding that
my reasoning was quite different, he made haste to reckon his getaway. With a promise to call he disappeared into
the woman’s Mitsubishi Eclipse and I still haven’t heard from him.
This, the same guy who I’d been casual
acquaintances with, leading up to a friendship that had lasted nearly two
years, with about 6 months of that consisting of us dancing around the fact
that we were attracted to each other and it all comes crashing through my mind
at the same time. I am remembering what
he said to me and processing my thoughts in seeing him that day - keep your
mouth shut and your legs crossed!
We have all heard the saying ‘a man
wants a lady in the streets and a freak in the sheets’, but what about the
other parts of your relationship? What
about the rest of the house? You hear
random notions like, ‘every man wants a woman like his mother, someone he can
respect and love, who cooks and cleans for him, takes care of him and makes him
feel like a man’, but if all that were true the question presents itself: what
happens to the good girls? Not the girls
you see who seem so innocent that it just makes you lust after the idea of
corrupting them, but the true ‘good girls’, good women. The women, who are willing to cook for their
man, clean for their man, rub his back after a long day and draw him a
bath? The ladies who have college
degrees and jobs they love who are just looking for a man to share their lives
with, the women looking to face you at the altar and spend the rest of her life
next to you in the pew – what happens to her, because she’s not out somewhere
getting married.
I took one of those silly little
coffee table quizzes lately that said that I was” perfectly marriageable” and
that I know men inside out; I know exactly what a man needs in a woman and how
to treat a man within a relationship, yet women like me remain single for decades,
if ever to wed at all. Why is that? How is it that someone can know all of the
rules to the game, and still lose?
I have often been quoted as saying
that I attract the wrong type of men, men who don’t understand my ambition and
drive. That may be true to an extent, but I would be remiss if I failed to
acknowledge my part in the situation. I don’t believe that all men have a
problem with ambitious women because men don’t want to have to wonder if a woman
is only in it for the money. Men want an
ambitious woman who they know can slow down for them. I can admit to previous
refusal to be that woman based on experiences with men who refused to be that
man. So how do we prevent our histories
from repeating themselves? We
acknowledge them, search them for the truths they contain and appreciate them
for that truth.
In all honesty, my friend was
right. I’ve dated guys with a hidden
agenda that was not nearly as hidden as they would have liked it to be. Guys who were looking for a number of things -
from sex, to babies, to money and/or someone to take care of them. Please,
take note that they were referred to as guys and not men because the word man
is in our day used far too freely.
Being a male and turning 18 or 21 does not make you a man. Recognizing what it means to be happy, to
love and be loved in a way that brings everything about you and that other
person full circle, that’s what it means to be a man; recognizing that she
doesn’t bring what she has to the table to in any way take away from what you
have accomplished, or to overshadow what you are trying to do, but to represent
you in a way that should make you proud to have her on your arm.
This is where black relationships fail. I’m not here to hate or bash anyone in any
way, but the truth of the matter is that a lot of our black men have gotten
lazy and a lot of our black women have gotten loose. A great deal of black men have begun offering
far less than what is needed and a great deal of black women have become
accustomed to accepting far less than they are worth. We miss out on
true joy running toward the unGodly. Seeking the world's view of perfection
instead of what God has chosen for us. We have to bring back the sanctity of
family and put love before lust. Ego, Image, Education, Money, Career...none of
that really matters. Family makes it all worthwhile, and the rebuilding of
family starts at the Head of the Home. MEN,
TAKE OWNERSHIP OF THE POSITION THAT GOD HAS SET ASIDE FOR YOU! Rebuild the black family and restore it to
the strength it was once so well known for. The strength that masters and
overseers once tried so hard to beat out of us, because until we do that, we
will remain masters of winning at losing.
Follow Me as I Follow God.
- @RevealingRuth
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