America:
a nation grounded in mathematics, rooted in division. On one side, healthy, well-adjusted children,
safe homes, combined incomes and a sound promise of stability and access to
education. On the other side,
abandonment, father-absent homes, stunted growth nurtured by instability, and
an increased likelihood of poverty and educational failure.
Once
the thread binding the American social fabric, the institution of marriage and
the sanctity thereof has fast become a myth in the black community.
I
recently spoke with an acquaintance who has a number of children by different
women, all of whom reside with their mothers. He told me that he was proud of
having so many children (6). Stating
that he didn’t care how many mothers there were, his children are his legacy;
the only thing he’ll leave behind when he dies.
It
has statistically been proven thousands of times over that the absence of a
dual-parent structure (single parent homes) leads consistently to higher
dropout rates, an increased likelihood of teen pregnancy, drug use and
emotional instability, along with an increased rate of the likelihood of
incarceration.
I have
a cousin recently married to the father of her 11 year old son, her boyfriend
of nearly 15 years. I also have a friend
recently married to her boyfriend of 7 years and the father of her two young
daughters. Though both women loved and
bore the children of these men, they had to wait for a great majority of their child’s
adolescence, to be married. The first couple
have not been in a stable, uninterrupted relationship the entire 15 years. The two had at one point chosen to cohabitate,
which didn’t work out and led to a temporary separation. Her son remained with her during the
separation. The second couple, however,
never lived together prior to being married and have enjoyed an uninterrupted 7
years together.
I
site these two examples, one as the exception and one as the rule. Is cohabitation wrong? Not necessarily, dependent upon your plans
for the future. Is cohabitation wrong
for people desiring to marry the individual with whom they cohabitate? Maybe.
It is important to recognize that cohabitation does not increase the
likelihood of marriage. For some couples
with no marital future outlook, cohabitation is perfect because people who
don’t value marriage and have no regard for long-term commitment are likely to
cohabitate. It gives them the option of
living together, no promises, no guarantees until they grow bored. They share living expenses and get to spend
more time together.
For
these people, cohabitation is the end of the road. For others, cohabitation is a building block,
the last step on the road to marital bliss.
Unfortunately, though some of the second group does eventually marry,
this outcome is not guaranteed and if they do get married the likelihood of divorce
is greatly increased. Though marriages
resulting from cohabitation last a varying duration, often short of forever,
relationships that stop at cohabitation generally end in just over a year.[1] Living together may seem a better alternative
than casual dating, but it can also change ones view of marriage, especially if
the relationship doesn’t work out.
Marriage will begin to look like an unattainable joke and people may
start to think of intimate relationships as a temporary and fragile waste of
time.
While
men are out impregnating women they know they don’t want to marry, in efforts
to build or extend a mis-shapen and highly misguided ‘legacy’, they are
thinking of no one’s best interest, not even their own. Marriage is much better for our health and
happiness than being single, especially for men. Having a wife means having a woman who cares
for your entire family, not just your children in your absence. It means having someone who will make sure
that you see a doctor so that early warning signs of illness don’t go
undetected. A great portion of her job
is to ensure that you live a long and healthy life.
Married
people are much happier than the single; they have fewer expenses, shared
incomes, a sound support base, and live longer.[2] The
rationale is simple, married men not only have a wife to tell them what’s
healthy for them, but most wives provide nearly 90% of their husbands prepared
meals. Fewer married men than single
smoke and even if they drink, married men are less likely to hang out in bars,
so they drink far less than single men.
When
a man loses his wife or a woman worthy of the title, they begin to smoke and
drink more heavily or develop habits that weren’t previously a part of their
routines. They eat more fast food and
begin or increase activities that lead to diabetes, high blood pressure,
cirrhosis & other liver conditions, and the worst, the unwavering,
unforgiveable cancer.[3] Single men are even more likely to commit
suicide than married men.[4]
The
average black man’s age at death is 69.8, 6 years short of their white
counterparts and 7 years short of black women, this due in part to the fact
that white men are likely to have fewer “baby mommas”, yet are more likely to
marry a woman with whom they have children.
More than 2/3 of white men and less than 1/3 of black men marry the
mother of their child (ren).[5] Not that white men don’t abandon their
families, black men are simply more in favor of the pleasures of quick sex,
brief cohabitation and unwed parenthood.
Black men are also unlikely to seek medical attention unless their
illness is persistent or debilitating, sadly increasing the likelihood of death
and the spread of potentially deadly disease.
Immediate temptation and instant gratification override sound
judgment. Sex with different women
daily, weekly, or monthly becomes far more appealing than sex with the same
woman for the rest of your life, especially if that woman comes with the
responsibility of raising your children.
Black
men have come to value a roll in the hay over responsibilities of family and
the joy of midnight meals over candlelight with your wife, your sons’ first touchdown
or your daughters’ dance recital; it seems a lot more convenient to hear about
or read a photocopy of your child’s report card after having sex with a
stranger.
It
is time to stop making excuses, blaming slavery and seeking psychological
foundations. In the days of slavery men
were taken from their families by force, they didn’t lay with whomever they
pleased and disappear at the sound of the word baby. They rejoiced at the prospect of new life,
love, and family. Today, men choose to
leave the families they claim to have fought and prayed for.
A
man’s greatest and most important role is as a father and protector. Fathers are a family’s only defense against a
world where hyper-energetic individuals roam the streets unsupervised. They belong at home with their families,
protecting them from harm, not in the street with the same people their
families need protection from.
By
impregnating women and refusing to marry them, black men are adding to the risk
of children just like their own. We shouldn’t
have to keep shining light on the obvious to improve their sight, they see what’s
going on in our community just as clearly as black women, they simply choose to
ignore it because our society too easily let’s them off the hook. Example:
Boy meets girl, boy and girl ‘fall in love’, move in
together and boy proposes, professing his undying love and desire to spend
forever and build a family with girl.
While making arrangements for their wedding, girl finds out that she’s
pregnant, tells boy who responds as no longer ready for marriage, then
disappears. When boy resurfaces, he now
smokes and drinks heavily, has gained weight from frequent alcohol and fast
food ingestion (things he never did or approved of during their relationship)
and has lost his drive for legitimate success, the attribute that once brought
the two together. There is no plausible
explanation for such behavior and no possible way that this man could fail to
see that family life with his child and the woman he claimed to have loved is
the best and only valid option.
A
conference held at Atlanta’s Morehouse College in 1998 called, Turning the Corner on Father Absence in
Black America, showed that the majority of black children born out of
wedlock will spend just over 11 years of their childhood with only one parent.[6]
As
single parent homes become more and more common, it’s the mothers who raise the
children with little to no help from the fathers. The men get unconditional love, great sex,
beautiful children and the opportunity to move on from that family without
thought of their responsibility in their child’s daily care or well-being. Yes, shared custody and weekend fathers are
better than no father at all, but at some point, you have to grow up and
realize that there’s more to a child’s life than a few hours or days per
month. Children need love, attention and
care from both parents every day.
Young
people living in a father-absent home are twice as likely to be incarcerated as
children in two-parent households[7]
and absent fathers also cause problems for children outside of their families. Young boys who have absent fathers will begin
to think ill of their potential prospects for the future once they step outside
to see countless unmarried men either unemployed, stealing, or involved in
illegal activities. That’s why they’re
more likely to drop out of school and be incarcerated. Seeing the fast money and “free” lifestyle, not
having to get up every morning and go to school or work but still being able to
afford anything you want, they begin to lose interest in their futures and
favor the quick buck. They see no point
in going to school, and working hard to get a good job just to be able to
afford what drug dealers and thieves already have.
Black
men in America are more interested in promoting a false legacy than solidifying
their manhood. They don’t think about the
fact that creating a child makes them a father because our culture has changed
so drastically that men are now offered sexual access without the required
exchange of personal commitment, and the greater majority of black men are
taking the sex, looking at their repeated procreation as proof of their
virility and masculinity.
Giving life to a child doesn’t make you
a man; it makes you a baby daddy, choosing to be a father, makes you a man.
Black
men refuse to see the picture they themselves have painted. They have tainted the black woman’s societal
image and appeal. If a woman, or girl
allows herself to be seduced by the lies and charm of a man claiming to love
her, her value is reduced by other men based on the prospect of having to raise
another man’s child. If you love these
women, why do you leave and when you do, where does the love go? Definitely not to the children you abandoned
and hardly ever see after you leave.
There was once a time when, if a man deserted a pregnant woman he was
deemed dishonorable and banished from his home and community.[8] If this woman was good enough to bear your
child, and be tied to you through that child for the next 18 years or more, why
wasn’t she worth spending the rest of your life with? A life that may not last as long without
her.
It
is time to stop devaluing black women by intentionally impregnating people you
know you don’t want to marry, because when you do that you teach your sons to
do the same and your daughters to expect the same. Many black women get pregnant and would like
to marry their child’s father, but although black men and women both want
children, not many black men see the sense in getting married, and if they do,
are far more likely to cheat than their wives.[9]
It’s
time for black males to start looking at what they’re doing to our
children. A child’s future is largely
set in place during their earliest years.
That’s why we refer to them as young and impressionable minds. If you wish to make an impact in a child’s
life, it is vital that you start early and work hard. Do you really want your child’s lasting
impression of you to be one of a deadbeat who only cares about himself? Children learn how to behave in relationships
from watching the interactions of the adults surrounding them. If a man beats his wife or girlfriend, he
shouldn’t be stunned to see his sons beating their girlfriends or his daughters
in abusive relationships. They are simply
manifesting what you have taught them to do!
Parents
are the painters of a child’s blank canvass, teach them to be who they need to
be by being the example they need to see.
If we love our children as much as we claim to, why aren’t they worth
the stability of family?
Follow Me as I Follow God
@RevealingRuth
[1] Larry L. Bumpass
and James A. Sweet. “National Estimates
f Cohabitation,” Demography 26
(1989): 620-21
[2] Linda Waite and Maggie Gallagher. The Case for Marriage: Why
Married People Are Happier, Healthier, and Better Off Financially (2001); 47-64
[3] Catherine Ross, John Mirowsky, and Karen
Goldstein. “The Impact of the Family on
Health: A Decade in Review,” Journal of
Marriage and the Family 52 (1990):
1059-78
[4] Nadine Marks and James Lambert, “Marital Status
Continuity and Change Among Young and Midlife Adults: Longitudinal Effects on
Psychological Well-Being,” Journal of Family Issues 19 (1998): 652-86
[5] Scott J. South, “For Love or Money? Socio-demographic Determinants of the
Expected benefits from Marriage,” in The
Changing American Family, ed. Scott J. South and Stewart Tolnay (Boulder,
Colo.: Westview Press, 1992), 58.
[6] Turning the
Corner on Father Absence in Black America, a report from the Morehouse
Conference on African American Fathers (1999).
The statement was signed by fifty eminent scholars and activists, both
black and white.
[7] Cynthia C. Harper and Sara McLanahan, “Father Absence
and Youth Incarceration,” paper presented to the American Sociological
Association (August 1998).
[8] Lawrence Stone, The
Family, Sex and Marriage in England 1500-1800, abridged ed. (New York:
Harper & Row 1979), 398
[9] Scott J. South, “For Love or Money? Socio-demographic Determinants of the
Expected benefits from Marriage,” in The
Changing American Family, ed. Scott J. South and Stewart Tolnay (Boulder,
Colo.: Westview Press, 1992), 130, 135-36.
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