I
had a conversation with a young lady recently that took a very uncomfortable
turn for me. She wanted to discuss physical abuse in relationships, not
understanding why these things happen. To be honest, I first have to say
that the presence of abuse in a relationship speaks to the
absence of God in that relationship. No man who fears God
will ever have a wife/girlfriend who fears him!
Where
there are many different types of abuse (I'll post explanations of a few later)
the most obvious and widely recognized form of abuse is unarguably physical,
but please be mindful that women are not the only victims of physical abuse,
they can also be the aggressor.
Understanding
that none of us have been perfected in our journeys - spiritually or
emotionally, I would like to share with you some things that I shared this
young lady. Where I cannot tell you everything there is to know about
physical abuse, I can tell you some things, and my prayer is that you will take
these words to heart, sharing them with anyone who has a mind to hear.
Ever
meet a guy who gave you some sob story about how his ex just totally broke his
heart? The story is that he proposed to her in
front of dozens of people, either at some public function, with a bunch of her
friends, or at her job, made a big scene, total fool of himself and she said
no. Or maybe your guy had the woman who
said yes and then one day he comes home early to find her in bed with his best
friend. Now he and the friend are fine, they’ve
moved on from the ‘unfortunate incident’ but he just could never trust women
after that, because ‘she stole his ability to love’…sound familiar? Of course it
does. We’ve all met this guy. Maybe he turned out
to be too pitiful to date, you felt he was too needy, or maybe you did date him
and it just didn’t work out. Well, if that’s the
way you handled it you’d better thank your lucky stars and if you ever meet
another guy with a similar story, buyer beware! This guy may find
himself far more crafty and charming than the last and it is all downhill from
there.
The
scenario I have just recanted to you are the basis for what I call the tale of
abuse. These are the most popular versions of
the lies abusive men tell their targets. Yes, some women do
cheat and turn down largely romantic marriage proposals, but not very
many. This tale is fabricated by abusive men
in order to make the women they plan to victimize pity them; to look at them as
the victim. When you hear this story, know that
it’s a trap. Letting an abusive man into your life
is like answering the knock of the devil, the objective is to make their way in
and the desired outcome is to destroy you.
There
are 4 main types of abusers:
Type
1: Family-Oriented
Abusers
These
men are not likely to be violent with friends anyone outside of their
home. They confine their need for control
within the perimeters of family. People in these types
of abusive relationships generally look like the perfect couple. He’s the charming,
light-hearted, adoring husband. She’s the sweet,
beautiful, yet clumsy wife. He nurses her wounds
after she ‘trips, falls, or bumps into things’. These couples may
have children, usually active and athletic sons, boys whose occasional bumps
and bruises can be attributed to rough play or sports.
These
men are concerned with their public image and generally recognize that what
they’re doing is wrong, which is why their eruptions are usually alcohol
induced. They wait until they’ve been drinking
to abuse their loved ones so that they can later blame their actions on
alcohol.
Theses
are the abusers who are less likely to have been abused as children and
experience the most satisfaction from their relationships. They fear losing the
ones they love so they manipulate power and convince themselves that their
families allow the abuse out of love for them. They were most likely
abandoned in some way (physically or emotionally) as a child, not receiving the
attention and love they so strongly yearned for.
Type
2: Violent Aggressors
These
men were likely abused as at some point trailing into their teen years, a time
when they so greatly seek their manhood and thus become resentful of not being
able to have protected themselves from their abuser. They inevitably grow
up bitter and take their anger out on those around them.
These
men are violent everywhere. Their violence is
severe and is also sometimes tied to alcohol or drug use. These are the guys
you see drawing blood in nightclubs after someone has stepped on their shoe, or
in a bar fight over thinking a stranger has ‘eyed’ their woman. They blame everything
on respect, so you’ll quite often hear the words, “you don’t respect me” or
“you/they were trying to disrespect me”.
These
men are usually in stellar physical condition, fair to large muscles, in great
shape. Relying mostly on sight intimidation,
they want people to be afraid or challenged by their physically opposing frame. They also take great
pride in being significantly larger than their wife and children. They see size as
their advantage. They’re the Dee-Bo’s of daily life.
The
fact that these men were abused during hyper-hormonal stages of life reveals
itself most often during intimacy. These men take sex
and the roles therein very seriously and they’re always the aggressor. They may jokingly
complain that their mate never initiates sex, but she will find that when she
does, she has difficulty getting him excited and once he is, he will not enjoy
the encounter as much as he would have, had it been his idea.
These
men generally have high arrest rates and poor driving records. Though they are able
to obtain a drivers license, it is often suspended or revoked. They don’t feel
they should have to obey stop signs or traffic signals like women; they hardly
ever pay their tickets and often find themselves in legal situations resulting
from incidents of intoxication or road rage. These men are
calculating and almost always have a history with the criminal justice system
so they know what they can get away with.
Type
3: Emotionally Volatile
Abusers
These
men run on very high levels of anger, depression and jealousy. They treat sex
in the same way as Type 2 abusers and also greatly fear losing their
partners. The difference between Type 2 and Type
3 abusers is that Type 3 abusers, abuse out of fear, there is generally no
thought of raw aggression. They are highly
similar to Type 4 abusers, which will be discussed in a moment.
These
men are the least satisfied with their relationships largely because their fear
and paranoia will not allow them to fully enjoy themselves or their partners. They tend to be
young, educated and very open. They are sometimes
referred to as the accidental abuser. Their abuse generally
being psychological, it is more masked than normal verbal abuse and is largely
unintentional. Their abuse comes out of a misguided
belief that women aren’t attracted to nice guys that treat them well, that they
prefer a guy with an ‘edge’. They think girls like
bad boys and the good guy never wins.
Type
4: Subtle Abusers
These
men are what I call gateway abusers, they always continue on to develop into
something more. Subtle abuse can oftentimes be very
hard to recognize and almost always goes unnoticed.
The
abuse of these men is also confined to the home. In public they are
incredibly charming, endearing and charismatic. They open doors,
stand when their woman enters the room, and may even pull out chairs. They are men you will
believe are too good to be true…and they are. Subtle abusers are
the men you meet who are sly and debonair. Some might call him a
gentleman, those very close to you call him a poser, but you think he’s just
trying too hard. If he’s as good an actor as most,
eventually, he’ll start to loosen up a bit but still give you just enough to
keep you coming back. You start to fall for him and things
run pretty smoothly for a while until you get married or move in
together. That’s when the nightmare starts to hit
home.
As
I mentioned before, in the beginning you’re not likely to notice what’s
happening because most people believe that we behave differently in a
relationship than we did to catch our mates, and since the abuse will be based
on your alleged shortcomings, you may look at yourself as the problem.
Gradually
he’ll start claiming that you’re changing and you don’t do things the way you
used to. Suddenly, you’re being frigid in bed,
not cleaning as thoroughly as you used to or that dish you once made that was
always his favorite now somehow tastes different, worse. He’ll claim he can’t
put his finger on what’s going on with you, but he will always make you the
problem.
Soon
the mood swings will become severe; he’ll lash out at you in a way that makes
you very uncomfortable; this may involve hitting, pushing or restraint with
rampant screaming. In whatever form it comes, it will make
you doubt him and your presence in the relationship. When this doubt
surfaces, go with your gut. In situations like
these, your instincts are always right.
Sure,
he’ll try to pacify you with lame lines and excuses. He’ll say things
like, “What’s wrong with you… making such a big deal out of nothing?”, or “You
know I love you, I’m just going through a lot right now.” Then he’ll swear to
you it’ll never happen again, but it always does. The incident will
leave you feeling confused and on edge, again, trust your gut on this
one. It won’t steer you wrong. Staying will not make
things better for either of you. You’ll start to
wonder if the man you’re in a relationship with is the same one you fell so
hard for.
His
attitude will change as well. He will begin
expecting you to anticipate his every want, need and desire, from when he wants
sex to what he wants for dinner, without you having to be told. He’ll start to accuse
you of being sneaky, unfaithful, and manipulative, or of having ulterior
motives because abusive men convince themselves that women cannot be
trusted. He’ll start to become paranoid that the
woman he claims to love is plotting something behind his back, and will always
fail to see the goodness in you, claiming that the difference in your mood or
behavior, and you never saying what you mean have caused him to distrust
you. He will grow increasingly more
irritated by you and may admit that although he still loves you, he may not
like or respect you.
Understand
that the most important components in a relationship are being loved, liked,
respected, trusted, and able to trust. These men are simply
making excuses to disrespect and degrade you, they have no dignity, or
integrity and feel that lowering yours might make them feel better - more
powerful, more in control. The only time you
will feel love from this man is when he knows he’s losing you. Don’t fall for it;
instead, acknowledge that you’re being abused and make plans to get out.
These
men are hunters, trying to get in your head. Seeking a way out of
whatever bad situation he has created for himself, he hunts you from a distance
and then pounces on you like an animal. Once he has you he
will begin to mirror your tendencies and desires, trying to convince you that
he is everything you want and need. He’ll convince you
that he’s Mr. Right, but the perfect life you’ve always dreamed of will soon
turn into a total nightmare. His angry, abusive,
hurtful and demanding behavior will only intensify. His mood swings will
become erratic, unpredictable and increasingly more frequent. With every breath you
take, you will begin to wonder if it’s your last, and one day it very well may
be.
If he will beat you, he will kill you.
Follow Me as I Follow God
@RevealingRuth
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